The mind, being what it is, is seldom, in a completely thoughtless state. With dedicated conscious awareness, & spiritual practice, one simply gets more adept at progressing to being without thoughts, for some more moments, at one time, without even realizing this; brushing aside the unwanted ripples & not getting distracted as instantly, or as easily by them.
While sitting at the pooja altar at home this morning, a thread of thoughts briefly crept into my mind; not overtly, but very vaguely; of which I became subtly aware even though the vessel of my mind was more obviously focussed on my prayer. This thread happened to do with forgiveness, & like is the case with anything that emerges on its own, from a relative state of peace & silence, it led me to renewed understanding, & left me with deeper clarity of its primary subject.
I’ve never believed in non forgiveness. But, here’s the thing! I’ve never believed in forgiveness either. Not in the cliched, easy way it is often presented to us; as an absolute virtue, to be strived for at any cost, unqualified by anything else, like a sorry that can hastily muttered, without having anything to do with us one feeling it. The clarity that resonated within me, made it even clearer that forgiveness was not something to force yourself into, for anyone, at any time. Period. This, in no manner means that you should be on the opposite emotion of revenge, even remotely justifying giving in to any thoughts of it, should they occur in you. Forgiveness when toted about as a self righteous, virtuous action, to be practiced unquestionably, because some person, some book tells you too, becomes a mere intellectual pursuit. You’re doing it because you’ve indoctrinated yourself into doing it, whether through another authority, or through your own self. And in doing it this way, the question is, “Are you really doing it, at all?” Seldom does ‘forgiveness’ practiced this way serve any true purpose, for those you claim to have forgiven, & for your own self. That is the reason you will easily find people who claim to others or to themselves about having forgiven someone for the wrongs done to them, yet find no real peace that should have come out of it, for true forgiveness is just that. Inner peace. First & foremost. First for your own self. Then, for another. I have seen any number of people consciously or unconsciously falling into a spree of negative talk about someone, at a moment’s nudge, to their heart’s content, & when they’re done, to end it with, “Well, what’s it to me; it’s their own karma; I have put it behind me & moved on.” (!!!)
On the other spectrum are people who will interrupt even your justified expression of a hurt, or loss, or betrayal that’s fresh or unresolved inside you, with an instantaneous, self righteous advise of simply forgiving. In this guidance is also somehow contained, the implied holier than thou suggestion that even the very act of giving vent to your emotions against something or someone, is lowering you, presenting you as someone, weak, morally undeveloped as compared to their own selves.
So, does all this mean, I should not, need not forgive? No, it does not mean that.
Do I then, avenge, if I feel okay about that? That is definitely not what it means either.
So how on earth is forgiveness to be practiced then, if at all?!
By first understanding that it is not something that can be practiced. At least, not to begin with. Not at least by those of us who are just beginning to truly understand it. It has to flow. Mastery comes later.And this flow can only hope to happen when we can practice self love, & self awareness, in any moment when our hearts are filled with the pain of an unpleasant experience, whether from a loved one, or someone distant.
Do not forget that unforgiveness is said to do the most harm to the one holding on to the emotions of unforgiveness, even as those who they truly know or perceive to have done them wrong, might go about their lives unaffected. So, forgiveness, is primarily meant to be a tool to help the one who feels wronged, by allowing them to release emotions that do not serve their highest good. It is more than anything else, about allowing peace, healing, & harmony to flow to the heart & soul that feels hurt by an act of another. So, while this heart & soul still keep hurting by someone’s action, what is achieved even if the mind says it’s forgiven that action or the doer of it? In such a mind driven forgiveness, the ego is merely getting pedestalized, & thus, reinforced, while the emotions are still unresolved.
When we stop giving dogmatic, prescriptive, over simplified connotations & colors to forgiveness, & approach it from our plain mortal human ness, we can truly be tuned in to the higher power that we believe in, no matter what our religious or spiritual beliefs, & be automatically led towards the very emotion that serves our highest good, at that given moment.
The key is not to deny your ‘negative’ emotions by pretending they do not exist, or by making yourself believe that are lowly & must be ignored so that you may live a lie pretending you have risen above remembering any hurts, while your cells hide all the emotions within, as they were; maybe deeper. The key is to allow yourself to feel everything that you are in a given moment, exactly as you are. So, if it’s anger you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it. If it’s hurt, go on. Do not hold it in. Do not criticize yourself, or feel guilty for feeling what you are. Do not condemn yourself. Be aware of the emotion rising within you. Identify it. How is it that you are feeling? Angry? Hurt? Belittled? Humiliated? Ashamed? Indignant? Unvalidated? Betrayed? Degraded? Patronized? Granted? Discarded? Used? Abandoned? Also, what are the lessons that these emotions are trying to teach you, or guide to, in your life? What ever it is you feel, embrace it as the reality of that moment in your life. You are feeling that way because for you, something has happened to make you feel that way. Send yourself love, sympathy, compassion. Acknowledge feeling rotten. Cry if you must. Brood, sulk, write, be in solitude, vent, share – whatever you must. Just do not live in denial of how you are feeling. By acknowledging your right to feel what you are, without self judgement, without condemnation, you are allowing yourself to be purged of exactly that is bringing you down, & that which no longer serves you. You can only do this by paying it attention, by allowing it to flow through you at its own pace, so then when it’s done, it can flow out. This process can take different amount of time for each of us, depending on our personalities, how much & of what we’ve been carrying inside & since when, & the nature & the intensity of the situation that is making us go through what we are. Do not force yourself to feel love or benevolence towards someone who’s hurt you, if that’s not something you mortally can, right then. Do not set time limits, unless possible. Just allow it to be, as long as you can make sure that while you have every right to go through this process, you do not have the right to inflict harm upon anyone through it.
If you truly, deeply, sincerely go through this process of giving what hurts the most inside you the most attention & acknowledgement; embracing that part of you; forgiving it for feeling that way; sending it healing, & love; & truly surrendering to the spirit or your higher self in requesting to be guided through it in the right manner, all that you would’ve imagined to’ve gained through a pretend forgiveness, has a very high chance of actually flowing to you, & then through you. Being able to forgiven is definitely a goal your spirit would like you to be able learn eventually. But, remember, nobody has a default right over your forgiveness; not till & IF you feel ready for it, especially if their constant choice of how they’ve treated you has brought hurt- to your body, heart, or self worth.
Out of this self love, acceptance, compassion & healing which you deserve will flow that forgiveness, which you always heard about & read about, but never understood. Enable it. This is a state & emotion, that will not be a virtue dictated by your conditioned ego; but, an effortless way of being flowing from your own acceptance of your hurt, & your right to feel that hurt, & the healing that comes from it. This emotion based in self love will, when it’s pure, & intense enough, automatically lead to the act of forgiving the offenders in your life story, in whatever manner this is right for you & them. And, it will come because you have so much self love, & shining clarity inside you that nothing that is not of an equally high vibration can any longer survive within. Often, this is also the time, when miraculously, there will be change of hearts, or acknowledgement of guilt by those who’ve done you wrong, whether directly or subtly to you, or to their own selves. But, even if not, this time, it will truly not be your concern, for you would feel free of the bondages of unforgiveness, lighter, freer, & wiser. And post this state of peace, whether or not you choose to renew your old dynamics with those who you think let you down; whether or not it’s possible, that’s immaterial. What matters is your first hand understanding that you can only send love to someone, when you’ve given enough of it to yourself. You can only send understanding to someone, when you’ve given of it, to yourself.
And, you can only be capable of truly living in forgiveness, when you’ve accepted yourself lovingly & wholly in the entire spectrum of the emotions & act of experiencing unforgiveness. Do not force it. Do not block it either. When, & if you arrive at the moment when it has to finally flow, it will! And you shall know if you’ve truly been able to practice it, when even though you might not have forgotten what happened, you are finally left with an unshackled heart, & an uplifted spirit.